elle24

You yourself know it's not worth the risk. Then why the obsession ?

The concurrent number of events have led me me to reevaluate so much. I think pretty more or less I have been either too selfless and too selfish. With that being said, thing number one to do is to be selfish to everyone and have this allocation of time just for myself and for myself alone.

I need to know what I want in order to know what to do next.

He said I needed answers. But would I trade something that important?

A drug that I can't seem to keep off; Addicted- I am.

Snap out of it Elaine!

With the increase of crazy hormones in my body, I can't help but feel emotional. Plus, with the infusion of alcohol last night, I can't help but have drastic mood swings. Nauseous. Headache. Giddy. Whatever it is- I know one thing for sure was that I didn't feel good.

How is it that these days arguments keep revolving around me? Four words. I can't take it. It's like we can never settle down and come to mutual understanding. I really have tried all I could to help salvage what is there to offer to the relationship but to no avail, my existence has been proved pointless and useless. Hence leading to my current thought of having not to care at all.

Solely based on the exterior, human beings appear what people hope to see -a facade. Therefore, no matter what, the portrayal to outsiders is nothing but pure pretentious act on our part. It is to shut out probabilities of questions or doubts or worries being thrown into your face by these third-parties. Nevertheless, once he/she leaves the room, everything will soon fall to place. Reality that is.

I know friends have been wanting to reach out and help but I can't help but say nothing has happened. Truth be told, so much has happened during this period of time. It just really feels all so numb out of the sudden. Dejavu. Once again, I am left in this position to fend and stand up for myself but also for all of us. After having to read archives in this blog, I realized that it has indeed occurred before. Perhaps because of what time has taught me this past year, somethings are just really not meant to be. 

After last night, it hit me right in the face that certain things in life cannot be forced inclusive of relationships. I should have known better. Even if one party is trying his hardest to do the impossible of saving a relationship whereas the other just cannot seem to meet at the same line, eventually the line will break. Like what a special friend told me, "It takes two hands to clap." Once again, I mean I really should have known better. I have been there and done that. Judging from the past, I know sometimes you just can't help it no matter what. Not all relationships always work out for the best. And even they do, not necessarily both parties will be happy. They maybe living in self deception but never truly happy.

As such, I truly did meant when I encouraged her to do whatever she felt what was right. I'm old enough to understand. But of course, I hope everything works out fine.

Self delusion of a perfect portrait or realistic drama?

Either or. One thing for sure is that although there is really no happy ending. At least, one thing that stays truest to me is that we are still one. No matter what. Thick or thin. We can't deny it. Ups and downs. We still have it.

Relationships. How you take them is what that matters- How you view the person. How you develop a certain relationship with that person. How you accept that person.

One day you and a special person maybe the closest you have ever been with. The next day. POOF. He may be gone just like that. And it varies on how you want to build it again and if the door is open to do so. And how is it that a person that meant that much to you once can suddenly mean nothing but just pure strangers in a matter time.

I have learned it through the hard way and I cherish every moment I get to spend with the people I care about. Sometimes we just fail to acknowledge or appreciate the people we love the most. And this time round, I do not want to commit the same mistake again.

XOXO,
E

The silly grins out of nowhere. I hope it never fades.

While I'm busy with my new host and domain...I'll continue to update y'all here. :)

A week more. (: Sweet freedom.

So anyway, chalet updates will always be right on top here to keep y'll informed of any changes whatsoever.

• Where? : Aranda Country Club [same as last year's ;) So don't worry.]
• Suite no.? : [*TBC]
• Date? : 18 December 2008 - 20 December 2008
• Day?: Thursday - Saturday
• How much?: $30/-
  
• BBQ?: [*TBC]
• Meet up details?: [*TBC]

• People CONFIRMED going?: 

1. Elaine
2. Yujuan
3. Jazvan
4. Marcus
   
5. Joeylyn
   
6. Meixuan
   
7. Owen
8. Jiajia
9. Nawira
10. Valerie
11. Xinyi
12. Alisa
13. Chyuan Ming
    
14. Jasmine
    
15. Kwang Boon
16. Syazwani
17. Pamela
18. Daryl
    
19. Rashyd
20. I Yu
21. Eugene
22. Likang
23. Louis
24. Weng Chuin
25. Ivan
26. Randy

*TBC - To Be Confirmed
*BOLD- Paid!

• Where?: Aranda Country Club
• Suite No.?: [*TBC]
• Date?: 5 January 2009 - 7 January 2009
• Day?: Monday- Wednesday
  
• How much?: [*TBC]
  
• Meet up details?: [*TBC]

• People CONFIRMED going?: [*TBC]

I cannot confirm the people who are really going yet because I only know one or two who may not make it. Hence, if you're really disinterested in going. Do contact me personally! Via e-mail/MSN or call/sms me! :)

e-mail/MSN: elainechen_4@hotmail.com

LINK ME!

www.v-divulgence.org

SIMPLE AS THAT.

And yeah duh, I've moved. :) No worries. I won't be moving anymore. It's permanent.

Chalet details WILL NOT BE UPDATED HERE ANY LONGER.

Instead, details will be updated here!

Sorry for the inconvenience.

XOXO,
E

Loving these 3 photos. (:

HAHAHAHA.

I'm super high now. Listening to Demi Lovato's Get Back. It's so upbeat.

:D

And I've bought my host and domain. BWHAHAHAHAH. Super excited. Okay, Elaine is becoming a geek. But who gives a damn. :X

24 hours-36 hours till propagation completes.

Can't wait! CAN'T wait! CAN'T WAIT!

Until then, I'll try to come up with a theme. I shall be patient and learn my PHP well.

XOXO,
E

It hurts. No matter how hard I tried. I know it's pointless.
I'm just worried. Is that so much to ask for?
Now, instead of the sky, it's the impossible I'm waiting for.

XOXO,
E

Ever since Elaine completed her O's, she had:

• eaten a LOT at Chompchomp
• dyed her hair
• watched HSM3
• been emo-ing non-stop
• went to Terminal 2 to fetch my lovely brother
• not had sufficient sleep
• went shopping
• spent non-stop. (literally)
• teared nonstop. Lol. (Trust me, not that bad as you think.)
• went for the briefing and realized I will freeze in Korea.
• a huge feast which was YUMMY!
• ate apple crumble at Andersons
• watched the new Bond movie
• FALLEN IN LOVE AGAIN WITH DANIEL CRAIG
• once again, spend non-stop.
• AND PUT ON WEIGHT. GRRRRR.
• most importantly, missed someone badly. :(

Tsk. POINT IS, I will starve myself from tomorrow onwards. *continues eating Ruffles*

Lol. And anyone willing to watch James Bond movie with me again? ;) I really really really wanna watch him in action.

Heh. Or lend me Casino Royale dvd would be fine by me.

>:D

"Someone you haven't seen for a very long time could be about to walk back into your life." Let's see how true is this horoscope.

XOXO,
E
 

好辛苦oh!

I can't believe today has been super exhausting.

As mentioned, I was suppose to sleep this morning at 12AM in order to wake up at 3AM. Instead, I feel asleep only for an hour before heading out to Terminal 2. :D

And I really was anticipating his arrival. I couldn't wait to see his handsome face and his flattened stomach. xD Once he arrived, the only barrier between us was the glass. And we couldn't stop staring at each other. Lol. Kinda weird to have to smile and stand there momentarily. I wasn't surprised that many were staring at us too, wondering we were some weirdos or something.

But I couldn't care less.

My gorgor looks super handsome now! He's tanned. Not that fat. Not that skinny. I'm even impressed by his control of diet. I mean. I couldn't care less for dinner just now and he insisted on carbo free meal. Kinda annoys me the fact that he said I've eaten too much chocolate and put on weight, appearing to be more chubby now. Grr..

Never mind. Chubby is cute! HA! I'm living in a self-denial world. :D

Anyway, we couldn't stop talking and talking and talking after we were in the car till we were back home. To a state, both of us got equally emotional for the same reason. It was scary because all he noticed since he came back was that I looked sad.

Hah. I mean. Really, he's the only one who could see through me. 
Yet, I'm REALLY happy he's back to be my punching bag and squishy toy. But of course, as a brother. :) Whee!~

The greatest gift I had from him was his promise and him being back.

Love you so much gor. :)

After that, I tried sleeping at 7AM. Sadly to say, I couldn't. Dad was super annoying with him going in and out of the room talking to me. Actually, to come to think of it, it was hilarious.

Around 8AM plus, received an SMS from Ahma that she was leaving. :( It saddens me because for all I know, this morning really meant a lot to her. I understood what she was going through. And although I couldn't be there physically for her, I tried trying to distract her with other random things. Yet, from her blog...I'm really sad to see her this way. I'm really sorry Ahma. I wish I could have done something to make you happy instead of having you to worry for me the other day. :'(

Then,I left the house at 10 plus just to meet darling pig. I swear. I was starting to feel like a zombie. But! This time I'm happy I wasn't late. Hahah! Hence, we walked around and had lunch. Together we went to meet my parents after lunch and let's just say I really had an extremely teary experience. Tsk. Thank you piggy for being there for me. :D

Accompanied piggy till 2.30PM and I left to Chinatown to meet my parents once again. I seriously didn't know Chinatown could be so so so packed in the middle of the day. Went off for the briefing at the conference room. It was extremely boring and long.

The briefing lasted a whole hour plus plus plus. And my phone rang. Realizing I had an appointment scheduled on my calendar. But, I really couldn't care less. I couldn't possibly leave the conference room and head off there. Plus, what's the point? *sigh*

Shopped for winter wear there. Bought boots, thermal wear and a coat. :) Eventually, I got super tired. I got really cranky in the car because it was super noisy.

And now, I really wanna go sleep.

Nights people.
Sweet dreams.

XOXO,
E

Part of me can't help but feel disappointed.

I'm suppose to be asleep by now.
But I can't.

Grrrrr.
Kinda annoying because I've to get up later at 3 to go to the airport. And the following morning I've got an appointment at 11.30.

I maybe too excited for Eamonn to come back. Either that or I'm still bothered by something else.

YES. Elaine decided to be wise after emo-ing yesterday. Going to a familiar place brought back many clips.

So what? The memories are still latched in my head.

Sad to say,I've pressed the delete button at 00:00.

I'm gonna restart my life.
I can't linger on just like I've been doing.
For goodness sake. Not saying that I didn't try. I did try.

And it made me miserable than ever.
It made me do horrible things I thought I would have abstain from doing.
It made me so sensitive and particularly annoyed by small little things.

I got angry over the slightest things.
I got annoyed over others' comments.
I took my parents as the punching bag.

I went M.I.A.
Yet,I still decided to come home.
Because I know it isn't mum or dad's fault after thinking it through.
Okay, NOT ENTIRELY their fault.

I can't blame them.
I've been used to being alone at home.

Just that, the root of all problems all began with.......
For that, for me to be more sensible and start being happy again.

I HAVE GOTTA PRESS THAT PLAY BUTTON AND START LIVING. And not stalling. 

Not only is it a waste of energy.
It's complete waste of my time.

Why in the world did I wait for the impossible to happen?
Why in the world was I so stupid?
*shakes head*

I lost so much tears for nothing.

The girls are right. It ain't worth it.
I can't start going M.I.A.

And I'm glad Iyu found me today. Initially wanted to roam about SG. Found it too late.
Hence, I'll postpone my plans.
Haha! Perhaps by then, I'll start emo-ing unknowingly.

And without Iyu around, anyone wants to volunteer?

I yearn to walk to places I've been before.
And create memories of my own.

XOXO,
E

I waited for the sky to drop. It wouldn't. Reality woke me up today.

OMG.
Can you believe it's over?

The big O is over just within a blink of an eye....Okay, not exactly within a blink of an eye. The past month or so has been extremely tedious and tiresome.

Without much realization, I managed to pull it through without Eamonn around. Although obviously having him around would make my life much more hyper and energetic. :/ Now to think of it, I'm actually missing him like crazy and I can't wait to see him this Sunday. :D

Now that the Os over. My schedule's packed like never before. Hence, I won't be able to hang around and find a job.

Next week will be red camp. Following that will be prom. And then my trip to Korea. After I come back, I've approximately only a week to organize the chalet. There after, Christmas, New Year, another chalet. Before I know it, it'll be time to receive the moment of truth.

Nevertheless, it's really time to let my hair down and enjoy. Despite having a feeling of disappointment that I may not attain my expectations, I'm just glad I still put in my best effort this time. I'm just really hoping and praying all goes well for me as well as my girls. Hopefully, we all be able to go to our desired choice of schools. :D

Other than that, I guess it's time to pack the mess that have been accumulating all these while.

Cheerios.

From today onwards, a whole new chapter begins.

XOXO,
E

你一再的在逃避。那么我干吗还要去理会呢？我不可以一次又一次的让步。这次，是你做出的决定。 不是我。虽然如此，我仍然等着。期待着奇迹的出现。可是，等了好久，终于等到了。。。。你零时留下的简讯。到底是什么意思。说你要走了。但是又说你想挽回一切。那未免已经太迟了呢？你还是人在外国,抛弃我在这儿，。好像，我不认识你了。每当你出国或什么，我是最后一个被通知。我累了。真的累了。何必呢?



You're Not Sorry - Taylor Swift

All this time I was wasting
Hoping you would come around
I've been giving out chances every time
And all you do is let me down
And it's taking me this long
Baby but I figured you out
And you're thinking we'll be fine again
But not this time around

You don't have to call anymore
I won't pick up the phone
This is the last straw
Don't wanna hurt anymore
And you can tell me that you're sorry
But I don't believe you baby
Like I did before
You're not sorry, no no

Looking so innocent
I might believe you if I didn't know
Could've loved you all my life
If you hadn't left me waiting in the cold
And you got your share of secrets
And I'm tired of being last to know
And now you're asking me to listen
Cause it's worked each time before

But you don't have to call anymore
I won't pick up the phone
This is the last straw
Don't wanna hurt anymore
And you can tell me that you're sorry
But I don't believe you baby
Like I did before
You're not sorry, no no

You're not sorry, no no

You had me falling for you honey
And it never would've gone away, no
You used to shine so bright
But I watched all of it fade

So you don't have to call anymore
I won't pick up the phone
This is the last straw
There's nothing left to beg for
And you can tell me that you're sorry
But I don't believe you baby
Like I did before
You're not sorry, no no

You're not sorry, no no

Yikes. I've fallen deeply in love with the chocolates Daddy gave me......
And those muffins Mummy bought me.


Yummy.

XOXO,
Elaine

I never felt so lost before.
I've lost faith in humanity. Love. What in the world is that?

I have loved. And lost.
I have hated. And lost.

Mum and Dad are having a strenuous relationship now. A huge brawl to be exact.
Eamonn is having a hard time there as well.
Eugene is no where to be seen as usual.

And I'm left here to go through this ordeal alone.
To endure those hurting words over and over again.
Alone.

Why is it that I feel helpless?
When I see them so sad...
That I can't help them feel happier?

I really never seen both of them so sad. Never.
They've been my pillar of strength all along. Now that they've collapsed. Why is that I'm unable to be their pillar of strength either?

I feel super sad.
I really do. I never seen dad so sad before. I wanna be there for him...Instead, he wanted me to concentrate on my O's instead.

But how am I to? I've never seen him in such a daze before...
:/

I miss you. I really do.
I can't wait for you to come home.

:'(

Signing off,
Elaine